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Saturday, December 12, 2009

4 Tips for Communicating with Self

One of the most overlooked issues for survivors of abuse and trauma is the loss of the ability to communicate with self. With the absence of communication and the ensuing loss of a relationship with self, we experience a deep feeling of emptiness without authenticity as well as disconnection with ourselves.

Strive not to live without self. Because without self you are lost and empty. When disconnected with self and self-love your need for having as relationship magnifies tenfold. Also, it leaves open a door to seeking any relationship even a toxic one to rid yourself of being disconnected. 

Fulfillment and success in life are when you can freely communicate with yourself as well as mindfully and intuitively accepting yourself on all levels. 

Stop looking back into the past for answers on what stop your relationship with your inner self rather retake your personal authority and achieve more productiveness in your life. A way to take back your personal authority is by reconnecting with your inner self with compassionate communication.

In order to improve your inner communicate with yourself, tips are needed to help to improve your skill. You can not accept what you do not know. Without good inner communication, your relationship with yourself will be very deficient.

Find yourself. Find your connection with you. Find your voice.

4 Tips to Achieve Internal Communication;

1. Spend quiet time being with self for ten minutes every day

2. Speak with self authentically, no directives or control

3. Display one act of appreciation toward yourself daily

3. Don't over talk your inner self, instead, listen 

4. Never judge inner self, rather support with compassion

After Thoughts

If you follow these suggestions, you will gain an appreciation of how wonderful you really are, increase your positiveness toward you and be more productive as well as become a healthier you.

         Coach Bill

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Note to My Core Self

Self-talk is very important in the pursuit of positiveness. You just shouldn't listen to your self-talk in your head, sometimes you need to communicate back clarifying how you feel. 

Here is a note I wrote to my core self.

Dear Self,
"Today, I will no longer allow others to define who I am. I will become mindful of the difference between me in the moment and me of the past who only resides in my memories. I will know that my past thoughts, actions, and feelings were a result of hurt done to me, and definitely were not my fault. Therefore I am no longer going to own them. I will believe strongly me and my positiveness. I will accept all that I am now. I will remember that my experiences flow like a river and in a moment all my experience will turn into history. My goal is to recognize and accept my core self totally, my authority and appreciate me daily."

         Coach Bill


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Resistance is Powerful

Why is resistance so enticing? Maybe because what it offers you particularly when it comes to the issue of change. You have a love and hate relationship with change. On one hand, you desire to change because it means growth. 

On the other hand, you are a creature of habit and once you are comfortable and adapted to your habit, someone or something, you don't want to change. There is your resistance. "I am comfortable and any deviation makes me uncomfortable". 

What to think?

Resistance to change is one of the most powerful forces in the universe as well as the most rewarding.

The counterbalancing force is the push toward balance and growth.

Once you accomplish that the resulting feeling from the clash of these two forces is anxiety. Anxiety causes you to be right in the middle, torn between the two. This anxiety should move you out of your comfort zone which may be filled with pain and "comfortableness" (illusion), and into a new space of personal strength.

Let go of resistance, be more mindful, trust in your intuitive instincts, and move toward fulfillment.

           Coach Bill

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Recognition: The New Life Skill

The question I get asked over and over again; “How do I totally get rid of my traumatic flashbacks?” To wipe out memory is something that no life skill, or substance can achieve. For a person to attain amnesia willingly without a brain injury is not possible. 

Abandoning yourself is not a way to amnesia either. No one or nothing can take memory, good or bad, away. No one can help you unrecord a memory that has already been recorded. But the emotional charge can be nulified, leaving the flashback or memory with only content. Content without the original emotional charge leaves the flashback or memory harmless.

Yet there is a life skill that can help you to reduce the effects and impact of intrusive memories. The first step is to recognize the memory of life event. Recognize that life event was so emotionally overwhelming. All of us experience events in our life that are so emotionally charged or traumatizing that we repress the memory of the event without achievung emotional closure first. When the unclosed memory (flashback) surfaces later in our life, our response is to avoid, deny, fight or ignore it. Each time we avoid, deny, fight or ignore the flashback, the memory fragment becomes more intense and we become more fearful. 

To reduce the effects of flashbacks is to just relax, let it play and recognize the flashback. Initially it is uncomfortable to face a flashback and you may not like the information it contains, but the overwhelming feeling will pass. Once it is recognized, the flashback cannot scare you again.

A life truth is that every human wants recognition. We want to be recognized for what we have accomplished or for who we are. So does your memory. It is a human desire to be recognized.

A second step for reducing the effects is to acquire a new life skill. One such life skill is Rapid Reduction Technique (RRT). So learn and perform a Rapid Reduction Technique (RRT) on the memories that frighten you. RRT can help a you safely face a flashback, process the inrusive information, make closure on past hurtful emotions and assist in the integration of the memory into long-term memory.

Here was two safe and health producing life skill steps to help you more further into recovery. Take back your personal authority and what was taken from you. You have the power.
No matter what we cannot undo what has already been recorded but the effects of our past can be reduced and become more balanced and whole person.

                             Coach Bill

Why Do I Feel So Empty?: Abandoning Self

Many times I get asked yourself  “why do I feel so empty? 

No matter what I do or take never fills that emptiness.” I have talked to hundreds and hundreds of survivors who battled this feeling everyday. It is unfortunate that survivors of abusive and traumatic life events experience this feeling literally. Survivors never look at the fact that survival is a symbolic process. There are two natural or innate life actions that cause this feeling of emptiness.

One, the empty feeling is the result of the core self's need to survive. 

Core Self is instinctively taken out of its natural position and hidden away out of love for protection. This process is called "dissociation" which is a gift from God or our Higher power to escape the reality of a painful, overwhelming life event. The resulting emptiness is the spot that the core self use to reside in and the spot for future replacement.

The second is when the feeling of emptiness surfaces long after the overwhelming life eventthrough the process of judging self. 

To add clarity to this concept you have to understand the phrase “if you are in a state of judgment then you are not in a state of self.” In order for a person to judge self, they have to step out of self to view and evaluate self’s performance. If the person is out of self to view performance, then one cannot be in the “here and now” with self. Meaning that the person is not present in self and cannot experience what is happening. Therefore achieving another way to escape a painful reality. 

Take Away

Everyone knows that self judgment is not healthy.
So in order to be a healthy authentic self, stop judging self. Be mindful about you intuitve need from yourself. Remember, “The world is self defeating enough without your help.”

         Coach Bill

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Relationship Life Skill: Internal Communication

The fastest way to lose a good relationship is not to communicate. Communication is a major part of that foundation of a relationship, whether it is with other people or us. We all have learned that if our relationship with self deteriorates then so does our relationship with others. If we cannot talk to ourselves then who can we talk to? 

So to have healthier relationships, one needs to improve their communication tools. 

The first place to start is to improve your relationship communication skills. It starts with striking up a dialogue with self. This dialogue is termed internal communication. It is a way to explore and explain your relationship with you. The place to practice new communication skills is with yourself until you become comfortable. Accomplish this by committing to spend 10 minutes each day, first thing in the morning, communicating with you. The more you practice communicating, the more skillful you become and the better your performance. This one skill will enrich all your relationships.

PTSD: Joy Keyes Radio Shows

Just finished talking on a Joy Keys, radio show on blog talk radio with 3 other experts in PTSD.
I was honored to be included with such well known experts from all over the country like Dr. Andrae Brown, Ph.D., Dr David Oslin,and Dr Robbi Saletsky, Ph.D.
Here is the link -
The program which is a featured program on the blog talk radio home page today. This presentation will also be available in the Joy Keys Radio Show Archives.

If interested, here is a link to another radio show - Michele Hughes Show - where I was the featured speaker.
I discussed my book, Separated from the Light, and other issues such as abuse, domestic violence, trauma, relationship, PTSD, and healing from psychological trauma.

I hope that you enjoy and learn from these two radio shows.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Words from Pat Richards

Hi, Gang! Although some people thought it would be impossible, I am no longer at WiiT. I know I will miss you all and WiiT, but I have some great ideas about what I might want to do next. I’m not going to share them yet, but will keep you posted when I light somewhere. WiiT will go on. Susanne has been a remarkable addition to the team this past year, and she will do her best to keep Dr. Bill in line. You know that won’t be easy! Dr. Bill is now the Clinical Director instead of me. It won’t be quite the same, of course, but it’ll be interesting to see where WiiT goes & grows from here. As long as there’s the Rapid Reduction Technique and the Incorporation Therapy Technique, and Dr. Bill, you know it’ll be awesome. I’ll be with you in spirit. Keep me in your affirmations!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

14 Tips for Knowing What Recovery Is Not

Much has been written about recovery from trauma and abuse through the last ten years. Many clinicians and researchers have expounded on recovery and all its elements. I believe that knowledge and understanding of recovery are crucial to forming a successful recovery mindset. An understanding of what recovery might look like going forward is essential to reduce fear and anxiety, but sometimes it's just as important to know what recovery is not.

In this article, I'd like to look at the other side of recovery, the side that is not. At the time a survivor is deciding to enter into recovery, he/she is faced with staying with the familiar or dealing with unpredictability. There are situations where there are no answers, just feelings; no familiar automatic barriers, just new boundaries; no black or white, just a lot of gray; no familiar guarantees, just healthy fear.

Decision-making strategists agree that it is important to understand both sides of any subject as this will lead to greater understanding and eventual success. So my objective with this article is to help people seeking recovery to understand what it's not and to help them find some predictability through faith in self.

14 Tips 

Recovery is earned, not a given.

Recovery is not just given to a victim as a rite of passage. It's not an entitlement. A survivor has to earn the right to be in the process. Recovery is a very fragile state and needs to be nurtured or it could slip away. Recovery is hard work that involves firm decisions, commitment, investments and giant leaps of faith.

Recovery is not about waiting for something to happen automatically.

Recovery does not come to the survivor. It doesn't knock at the door. All those years in old behaviors has taught that ignoring, denying, fighting, withdrawing or isolating doesn't work and won't make the pain and hurt disappear. Continuing to perform old behaviors, like waiting for the symptoms to just go away or people to get used to them, only produce the same old results: pain, numbness, hopelessness. Acting out the symptoms or switching to avoid are anti-recovery. Even though the PTSD symptoms seemed to happen automatically, that doesn't mean that recovery will start the same way. Recovery is about doing something different. Recovery has to be grabbed, created, worked, rehearsed and held on to through all the ups and downs. So don't wait. Be proactive. Actively reach for recovery. Face the fears and stand tall.

Recovery is never owned.

No person can buy their way into recovery. There is no ownership of recovery. There is not enough money to sway recovery into becoming a possession. An individual, a therapist or a treatment facility cannot own recovery. It can only be experienced. Allow yourself to experience it.

Recovery is not the same for everyone.

Recovery is a different journey for everyone. What works for one survivor does not work for another. Listen internally and create your own path.

Recovery cannot be threatened.

A survivor cannot threaten their way into recovery either. Recovery is intimidated by nothing. Recovery is always consistent and stands strong.

Recovery is not quick.

The hardest lesson to learn about recovery is that it's a process. A process is inherently time consuming and exhausting. Recovery is accountability, intense focus, and personal responsibility.

Recovery is not a literal process.

Survival did not happen through a literal process. Victims do not actually break into little pieces. Survival was achieved by a creative, symbolic process produced through human imagination. Survival is symbolic and operates on five levels: mental, emotional, physical, behavioral and spiritual. It makes sense that if survival is a creative and symbolic process, then recovery will be a creative and symbolic process.

Recovery is not found outside of self.

Trauma and abuse drive a victim outside themselves and leaves a vacant area in the soul. From that point on, the survivor looks toward external validation for answers and to fill that vacancy, but the answers never come from the outside. Recovery is empowerment. The answers are found within.

Recovery is not separation.

Recovery is the establishment of a relationship with self, rather than the continued separation. Whereas survival is the act of separation, recovery is the act of unification.

Recovery is not an indecisive event.

Recovery cannot be accomplished without a decision. To accomplish recovery one has to be decisive, accountable, consistent and responsible.

Recovery is not losing memory.

Health is not a way to achieve amnesia and forget all that has happened. In recovery, the fact is that the more you grow the more you will know. Health is rewarded by getting back the unknown memory.

Recovery is not a reason to display pain.

Recovery is not about acting out one's pain by directing it at self or other people, places or things. It is an opportunity to finally recognize the pain, allow it to pass by, grieve the losses, and then accept the trauma information into your normal memory bank.

Recovery is not easy.

But neither is it easy to live in the darkness, fear, terror, trauma and/or abuse. Strength and growth are never gained from something that is given or automatic. Any process that is easy carries little worth.

Recovery is not without sacrifices.

Recovery is a sacrifice. Everything a survivor has could be lost by entering into recovery. Those who were thought to be close friends, a supportive partner or loving family members may not like the changes that have been made. Be willing to move forward even with the possibility of losses.

Recovery is not an act of continued loyalty.

Health is the ultimate revenge against the abuser and old behavior patterns. Perpetrators want the victim to always be blind, deaf, sick and silent. Make the decision to never keep another secret from yourself. Be loyal and devoted to self first.

Recovery is not another method of Self-Sabotage.

Recovery is not another self- punishing tool to add to the sabotage arsenal.
Recovery is not an arena to display recanted loyalties. Recovery is not a method to use favorite abusive patterns or tools toward the ones who have cared and helped. It is not a platform to display self-sabotaging betrayal against the original dream, newly formed values or decision to recover. Some survivors quickly forget their promise to health and recovery at any price, no matter what. Much more hurt is produced in recovery from those who abandon recovery than is ever done through honest work for recovery.


It is time to discard what is not and embrace what is a recovery of self.
         Coach Bill

Helpful Hints for Branding Self

In my last Blog I wrote on the idea of using the principles of “branding” from the field of marketing can assist you in creating a new personal identity. Identity is so important to every person and how you are viewed by others. It is what defines you as an individual.

Staying connected with an old identity that does not work increases your confusion and decreases your performance. If you do not like your identity then you have a tendency to not like self and therefore you have lower levels of worth and confidence. First let go of that old Identity that has not functioned for you. You perform better in life when you like who you are and what you are doing. There is no rule that states that you have to hold on to something that does not work, including your identity.

Take a good look at yourself. Make a list of your personal qualities, traits, talents and characteristics. Also develop a list of how others think of you. What one word describes you best? Humorous? Intelligent? Wise? Dependable? Creative? Answer the question - how you would like to be envisioned? Evaluate what sets you apart from others. Go over both lists and determine what makes you different from everyone else. Once you have examined both lists, create a new mental image of the new you. This new mental image becomes your new identity. Affix the new image you just created into your mind’s eye. Daily take time to close your eyes, take a deep breath, envision your new image and study it mentally for four seconds. These four seconds will help to set it in your mind’s eye.

Then create a word or phrase that best represents your new identity.

Many products and professional people are known by just one word or a phrase. When you have created the word or phrase, repeat your descriptive word or phrase often to yourself. This repetition will create a simple association in your word or phrase in your mind. If you use it in your conversations it will attract attention to your new personal identity.

Now that you have determined what sets you apart from other people internally, then it is time to work on the outside. Find a signature look that will work for you, without being flamboyant about it. Maybe you want to pick a certain style of dress, mixture of styles, a hair color or hairstyle to define you. The new adopted signature look will attract attention to your new personal identity.
Utilize these hints to create a new personal identity. If you practice your new personal identity daily, you will be branding yourself to others.
                                   Coach Bill

Monday, July 6, 2009

Tips on Branding Yourself

Branding is a concept which has been used in advertising for many years. When a business is successfully branded then everyone knows the name and represents success in the marketing world. A few examples and recognizable brands: Coke, Pepsi, Samsung Apple and BMW to just name a few. 

Branding is used in developing awareness of a name, identifying a trademark, to identify a product, service or a manufacturer. Branding can also be used in distinguishing a symbol, mark, logo, name, word, sentence or an individual which distinguishes a product from other similar products in the market.

The purpose of this article to help you brand a new product - you. I feel that the branding concept could be extended to the life skill and self-improvement world. The way to do this is a life skill called a re-authoring of self or re-scripting your brand. Re-authoring of self or re-scripting is done by developing an action plan that assists you in forming a new identity and then branding it to your outer world.

Individuals who experienced childhood abuse and/or trauma are robbed of their ability to know themselves and the only identity they know of is the one their abuser drape them in. Their sense of self is lost and he/she move through life not knowing who they are.

Tips on Positive Change

In life, everyone has the right or personal authority to know his/her own identity. Many who have created a new identity are seen as being successful in re-inventing themselves. 

Re-scripting is a way to re-create or re-author self into whatever he/she wants to be. A new script is an identity map of how he/she would want to act, feel, look, think and react. This self-concept allows the "developer" to create and then know exactly the exact steps he or she took to create their new identity. He or she will know what distinguishes self from others. Start today in re-thinking yourself completely, script it on paper into an action plan, practice it every day, and hold steadfast to that scripted identity.

After the re-scripting is complete an action plan needs to be developed and then practicing your new script to gain mastery of the new identity. 

Mastery of the new identity is accomplished through practicing, practicing and practicing it some more days, over months. Over a course of months, the new identity will become a natural function of self. 

Take Away

Remember practicing your new brand is what makes any person in sports, business, or a profession become proficient. Once the new script is completed, then investigate and learn the principles of branding. Apply these principles to spread the awareness of the new identity and give light to your creation.

         Coach Bill
Please visit my website and click here to download a free eBook.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Memory: Shadows of Our Past

My latest quote:

"Communicate with your memories to move forward in your life"

Everyone is haunted by memories or flashbacks of emotionally overwhelming events in our lives in one form or another. We have been at the mercy of these recollections that seem to show up uninvited. These uninvited memories follow us like mental shadows seeking recognition, communication, and closure. Now there is a life skill that can help us do all three and then lay them to rest, never to trouble our life again. Rapid Reduction Technique known as RRT is a life skill that can assist one to safely revisit a hurtful and painful memory of a past overwhelming life event, take back what was lost, make an emotional closure, achieve integration of a non-integrated event and return the memory to its rightful place, long-term memory storage bank. RRT allows one to lay troubling memory to rest. RRT helps one to communicate with ones dark/haunting memories, and then move forward in one's life.

        Coach Bill

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Negative Thoughts: Forced Abuser Values

Sounds, at times in our lives, influence how we act, feel, think, and react. Yet sounds are a normal part of life. So what we hear daily shapes our perceptions, attitudes, and emotional responses as well as reactions. But for survivors of trauma, sounds take on a whole new meaning. During a trauma, all sounds, noises and voices/statements get recorded in the victims’ mind. This can be seen clearly seen if you have ever had a car accident. The sounds during the accident like the impact, breaking glass, and crunching metal stay with an individual for a long time, if they go away at all.

All humans’ posses an innate gift that helps in the survival process of overwhelming experiences. That innate gift is dissociation. If the act of dissociation was successful, then the victim is will not remember anything for that event. Yet the intense focus needed to save themselves from dying, leaves the mind wide open without any mental filters. Without filters to help discriminate which sounds, noises and voice(s)/statement(s) to accept or reject. All sounds, noises and spoken words during the trauma are recorded and stored without question. Traumatic content seems to be held in abeyance but sound circumvents efforts to repress.

Therefore everyday sounds can trigger remembrances of past embedded sounds in the survivor’s mind. These embedded sounds are a common symptom reported by survivors of trauma and/or abuse. The triggers open the mind to connecting with the stored traumatic audio files. I term this general category of traumatic sound(s), noise(s) or statement(s) as “audio flashbacks”. These audio flashbacks can be commanding, controlling, directing, nagging, belittling, judging, invalidating or threatening in nature, depending on the content of the original event.

Audio flashbacks can be a temporary symptom or a long-term condition. Audio flashbacks may be just a noise, a word, a comment, or a mix of confusing noises, but traumatic audio flashbacks have an objective. The objective is to keep a survivor connected with his or her past. No matter how much the survivor fights it, audio flashbacks [traumatic sound(s) or voice(s)] play in their minds.

As any survivor knows all too painfully that audio flashbacks do return to consciousness at some point. Audio flashbacks may not return to consciousness for some time after the trauma, may be not even for months or even years and sometimes right after the shock wears off. But understand that once audio flashbacks begin to replay in the survivor’s head, they do not stop. Even with all the attempts by a survivor to suppress them any fashion, audio flashbacks do not stop.

If the trauma was at the hands of another human, the audio flashbacks are more likely to be cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and/or degrading languages which at times feels self generated. This type of audio flashbacks, I call “abuser values”. Abuser values are the replaying of the abuser’s voice(s)/statement(s) in his/her head. Abuser values can be negative thoughts of self, criticisms, distorted values and/or unattainable expectations. Also abuser values mentally traps and controls a survivor in streams of negative, frightening, demeaning, dark comments. These abuser values become controlling and/or commanding to insure adherence and loyalty to keeping the secret(s). Abuser values create fear, anxiety, and confusion in the survivor’s mind. These types of flashbacks seem to increase in strength and control the longer they play. Though abuser values are just a recording, survivors experience them as “real”. Abuser values shape the perceptions of survivors therefore distorting or altering how the survivor’s will feel and behave.

Even the sanest human, on earth, experiences negative and critical thoughts about self. Critical and judgmental thoughts are unavoidable and normal in this fast paced performance driven world we live in. Yet in healthy humans the normal critical and judgmental thoughts remain just that, “thoughts” and don’t develop into self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior to the degree abuser values are able to accomplish.
Abuser values are part of an abuser’s tools to control a victim and to make sure the victim will always keep the secret. These tools help the abuser tear down and/or remove the victim’s ability to recognize their own emotions, as well reducing ability to resist, adherence to negative values, destruction to worth and elimination of self-esteem. The tools help the abuser turn the focus and fault away from their own “sick behavior”. Statements like, “You made me do this to you.” clearly place the blame firmly on the victim. This process allows the abuser to objectify the victim through distorted statements in order to “sanction or legalize” their own behavior and the future replay serves as a reminder forever.

The cognitive distortions, criticisms, vicious and degrading language become an abused human’s audio flashbacks. Survivors hear the audio flashbacks each time as if it was being spoken then, as real. 1. This occurs by full audio playback and/or audio flashbacks from past trauma. 2. Abuser values consist of negative thoughts of self, criticisms, distorted values and unattainable expectations. 3. The abuser values mentally traps and controls a survivor in a streams of negative, frightening, demeaning, dark comments.

In the beginning, the abuser values were not accepted by the victim as their own thoughts. Understand that abuser values are implanted without the conscious knowledge and by force. Once the abuser values become active, a survivor thinks that the abuser values are their own thoughts. Survivors think that they just naturally hate themselves. The ability to filter thoughts about self, the world or reality correctly becomes increasing difficult. This difficulty breeds feelings of powerlessness, which increases the possibility for the survivor to acceptance of the negative perceptions in their head. Then the feeling of powerlessness causes the survivor to view self as different, incomplete, bad, broken, damaged, defective or dirty. At that point the true disowning of self or self-hate occurred.

Abuser values turn out to be one of the most troubling symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD). Abuser values set a standard for how the survivor will think, feel, behave, relate, interact or interpret self (intelligence and body image) with self, other humans, the world and reality. The intensity of the abuser values determine to what degree of loyalty the survivor will demonstrate. Once the abuser values become activated, the mind controls the survivor rather than the survivor controlling and using the mind as a positive tool. With time the survivor becomes unable to have an emotional relationship with self, other people or the world. The survivors eventually become totally “cut off” from self and reality.

One way to view abuser values is to say that every human sees himself/herself through binoculars. If the binocular are positioned correctly for use and are operated properly, he/she sees self as whole, valued, complete, competent, and acceptable. Unfortunately, few people have perfect binoculars. As a result of trauma the binoculars become flipped around and positioned the wrong way for correct operation. The binoculars become smudged with external cognitive distortions, criticisms, lies, vicious verbal attacks and degrading perceptions of self. The person then gets a distorted image of self as small, incomplete, damaged, defective, insignificant, different, helpless, hopeless and/or powerless. The distorted image produces a negative picture of self or a “false self”. Over time the “false self” develops into an intense self-distrust and self-hate.

“Abuser values’ thinking” is hard to diagnosis because it becomes tightly intertwined with normal critical and judgmental thoughts they see other humans have. Accepted negative thoughts such as, “I have a evil/dark side”, “I will never amount to anything”, “I am someone that no one will ever love because I am so damaged”, or “I cannot succeed a anything”, “I am so stupid” are examples of abuser’s values heard in the minds of survivors. What is strange is about these statements are that all originally started with “You”, but are repeated to the outside world as “I”.

Is there hope for survivors? Of course there is but it takes hard work. Survivors do not have to exist in a negative life controlled by their abuser values such as I have described in this article. First, make a formal decision to stop reacting to and/or following the abuser’s values commands. Second, commit to the decision, no matter what. Third, be proactive and learn a skill that will help reduce the intensity and frequency of the abuser’s values.

Survivors have the power to stop being controlled by negative thoughts. Survivors can take charge of their minds. Take control of the power of the mind use as a positive tool. If survivors institute proactive changes, starting today, their chance for a successful recovery from being controlled by their negative thoughts increases significantly.
          Coacch Bill

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Depression: Deep Statement of Anger, Not Sadness

Everyone is affected by depression at one time or another in their life. 

Dealing emotionally with depression is hard and creates problems in your life and relationships. The quote "Depression is anger turned inward" has been pasted around for years as a way of understanding the process of this deep emotional experience. I always felt that there was an ending to this quote but never could figure it out. 

Over time the end of the quote came to mind. "Depression is anger turned inward towards one's inability to perform to expectations from yourself or others" according to a self, family, friends or society standards. This now the statement has closure. 

For example, when our country or any other country, performs poorly economically it goes into a "period of depression" by national and global economic standards. Humans respond in the same manner. If we lose a job, a relationship or a sports contest we experience feelings of depression. 

So next time you have depressed feeling as the result of a life events, look at how you are judging your performance against and at what or who's standards to are comparing yourself to. Recognize those beliefs, feelings, and thoughts on what you have learned from your experiences and make an action plan to improve your situation and life. You have the power to change what expectations you strive for.
                                     Coach Bill

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Abandonment: The Act of Surrender

Abandon is an experience that everyone has gone through at one point of their life. By definition - abandon is to withdraw or surrender our claim to ourselves. Overwhelming life events, no matter how small or how big, create experiences where one might have to abandon self. Abandonment by self or by others people is one of the most painful feelings to experience in life. Traumatic or abusive life events cause humans to abandon themselves in order to live. The feeling of abandonment breeds self hate, resentment and a feeling of loss. Over time a fear to even face self develops.
With each occurrence, a piece of the soul is lost. The human is never the same again.
The loss produces a structural change within. The soul is the main driver of our human core and the essence of all of us. So the emptiness is internally experienced as abandonment. To become healthy, lay claim to your soul and no longer live in a state of abandon.

Monday, March 9, 2009

4 Tips for Shifting to Positive Mindset

Do you feel you rigid or inflexible? Maybe it is your mindset.

Definition of Mindset

A mindset is a fixed mental attitude. A mindset is a mental habit that is comfortable or uncomfortable. A mindset can be flexible or rigid toward yourself or others. 

Hanging on to old mindset creates stress, shame, anxiety, blame, bitterness, negativity, fear, and rigidness. Over time a mindset results in poor physical health as well as a decrease in our mental and emotional health and performance. A mindset simply is a deep-seated attitude based on old perceptions, beliefs or prejudgements told, taught or forced upon you. 

One thing which is clear is your mindset is generally derived from another person's expectations or bias. Growing up in my generation, it was taught to take others mindsets, such as parents, teachers, coaches, policemen, etc., with blind faith. Never to ask questions. Functioning in life under another person's mindset does not work and causes deep feelings of unhappiness, disappointment and a feeling of being trapped.

Tips for Shifting from a Negative to Positive Mindset

1. Stop, slow down and connect with the moment

2. Focus and take in an intuitive sense of what your mindset is

3. Reclaim your personal authority by forming a new positive              mindset to replace the negative one on the same subject

4. Create a new attitude to support and validate your newly formed      mindset

Follow the tips above and you can create and attain command over unproductive mindsets and set new ones.
          Coach Bill

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Submerged Emotions Surface as Pain

Feelings are a part of our lives. Feelings are a by-product of our core beliefs. We accept, deal, express, deny or avoid feelings constantly. Our own feelings as well as others. For the most part, it is not the feelings we encounter every day that shape our lives the most, but it is the feeling that we submerged deep within us as a result of our experiences. 

No matter how great or how small the event, we were unable to modulate those overwhelming feelings during our darkest periods. We hide these unclosed feelings beneath the surface of our consciousness. It is these submerged feelings which cripple our present decisions, affect attitudes and devour our future behavior. We must find a creative way to walk through our resistance to raise old submerged feeling, revisit them and then make closure with them. In order to do this, we have to leave our comfort zone and venture into our self. 

Take Away

The fear of facing our submerge feelings is not as damaging as continuing to carry the pain of unclosed feelings deep within us.

         Coach Bill

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Inner Values are really Core Beliefs; 4 Tips for Becoming Positive

Inner Values or better known as core beliefs are accepted standards, self-messages, ethics, inner laws, rules, and moral principles formed and retained in your mind from life experiences. 

Your core beliefs direct, influence and govern heavily all your attitudes, behaviors, feeling, thinking and how your reaction. Your core belief system is not always set by you. Because not all of what you believe in comes from you. 

Inner values or core values are the worth that you put on each core belief in your belief system.

For the most part, core beliefs subconsciously formed by others who you have an emotional connection or attachment. Core beliefs can be set by family members you care about, people you look up to in your life who you are emotionally attached to like partners, spouses, teachers, coaches, community, government or religious doctrine. Simply put core beliefs can be input into your subconscious by anyone you are emotionally connected to. It is emotions that allow other peoples beliefs to pass by your perceptual filters without being filtered.

Dark Side of Core Beliefs

On the dark side, your core beliefs can be set negatively by force, by people who have hurt and/or abused you. Forced beliefs are what I termed Abuser Values in my book, Separated From the Light, and can cause you to hurt, be mean, judge and sabotage yourself unknowingly. Understand that you cannot successfully do what you want to do if you are directed by negative beliefs that are not your own or you have not accepted knowingly. Meaning if you have no ownership of your core beliefs but you are emotionally connected to the person in a situation, positively or negatively, resulting formed core beliefs will slip quietly into your subconscious. When you do not have ownership then you do not have authority over yourself. Rouge negative core beliefs can block your success and happiness. 

4 Tips on how to change negative core beliefs

1. Stop, 

2. take a breath, 

3. list your core beliefs and their inner value (worth / 1-10) 

4. review them with a serious eye and replace them with new core beliefs. 

After Thoughts

If you do not know or accept your core beliefs as yours then you 
can't change them. 

    Coach Bill                                       

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Positive Movement without Confidence

The problem that is affecting all of many today is a lack of confidence.

Last November our nation overwhelmingly voted for change, a difference, a move out of the darkness of business as usual and all we have gotten is more of the same old establishment. The place that we are now in is the same as the last eight years, someone else is setting our mindset once more. Our new leader is now saying "it is so bad and it will get worst". Remember that our present leaders are the same ones that convinced us that "everything is good mindset" (last eight years) and now they are resetting our mindset to "the sky is falling".

When someone tells us over and over that things are bad, then everyone thinks it is bad and begins to produce negative beliefs, thoughts, and energy. Maybe it is possible the trouble with our lives is our lack of confidence due to our "mindset" that is being reset by others and makes us question ourselves.

We need to rise up in a quiet revolution and create a new path of mental discipline. Collectively think confident on a daily basis, join together in effecting a new silent change and movement will happen.
          Coach Bill