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Friday, April 17, 2015

2 Tips on Eliminating Emotional Pain





"If I could just get rid of my overwhelming hurt from horrible childhood experiences that I have been carrying most of my life I would but I don't know how. I keep being attentive to them. Due to my constant feelings of hurt, I don't have a good feeling about myself, in fact I hate myself at times." - J. Backbe

Post-traumatic Stress (PTS) is very hard to deal with after experiencing overwhelming emotionally hurt from painful situations. The amnesty experience between the actual hurtful experience and onset of PTS symptoms is so sweet. Then at some point the reprieve ends and the recollections begin to surface. Sometimes it is just a flash of a vivid image from the traumatic situation or a connected sound but many times it is a piece of painful unprocessed emotion that you can’t connect to your history.

My Experience

For me it was almost 17 years before my symptoms began to surface. I discovered that the reason I had such a long pardon was because I was still experiencing traumatic situations in my life both small and large, so my mind was holding back to save my sanity. But once my life settled down and I began to feel again, my mind began to broadcast vivid images, sound and particularly hurtful, confusing emotions to my conscious mind. When the symptoms took hold and crept into my conscious mind I was faced with thinking about what thoughts were surfacing into my conscious mind and what emotions were traveling through body all the time. I was having flashbacks visually, auditory and especially emotionally all the time. Seemed like I being triggered everywhere I went in my life. My reaction was to numb out or dissociate to avoid thinking, feeling or listening.

The funniest thing, or maybe not so funny was that the emotional pains of my past did not seem to want to let go me or I won’t let go of them. It was like an old friend that never goes away. 

Here is something even stranger, I found myself not wanting to let go of them.  It was almost as though the pain / the emotional hurt was frightening but so comfortable at the same time. I could never figure out why. I finally understood and came to believe that I didn't want to stop holding on because if I let go of my emotional pain then I would not be able to figure out how to fix my past.

Eye's Wide Open 

Recently while working with a coaching client on making closure with her abusive and traumatic childhood experiences I realized something very profound. No matter how hard she stated she want to stop holding onto her past, have a “normal life” and being free of PTS symptoms, she was not able to break free. Especially from the emotional pain which kept her attached to her abusive and traumatic history.

She stated “No matter what I have done in my life to move forward, I keep going back to that day when my life completely stopped, turned upside down and I felt like I died. I kept having vivid flashback episodes of that significant day in which I awoke as a small child while being sexually abuse by my Dad. As I remember, I woke up from being in a white cloud, realized what was happening to me and who was doing it to me. I felt totally betrayed, could not tolerate it so I went back into a white cloud. I was totally normal the day before and then in those 20 seconds my life ended. I have been emotionally beating myself ever since.” 

All through her story she could not lift her head the whole time to look at me. 
I asked “who is responsible?” 
She answered without hesitation and with resounding positiveness “my body”. She continued "Rationally I know who it was but somehow my thinking keeps on averting responsibility off of him and places the responsibility on me, or should I say my body. But seems as though my logical thinking changed in those 20 seconds. Frozen in that moment. Since then my emotional mind keeps going back to that frozen point in time. Those emotions I have not dealt with haunt my Soul. I have been emotionally replaying it and beating myself up, over and over again.” 

2 tips that will help eliminate past emotional pain

1. I learned a most important tip from my own recovery that has been very successful for my clients I coach and other survivors seeking recovery and healing emotional pain is - "do not feed your pain".

       “Emotional pain will diminish unless you feed it”

Feeding your emotional pain acquired from your past will only intensify the pain and keep those painful emotions at the forefront of your conscious mind. Feeding them will not allow you to get what you want and move forward in your life. Feeding your emotional pain causes you to create a false reality that will not serve you, in fact will hold you back. Feeding your emotional 
pain will only cause you to focus on regrets. 

As a result of this action of feeding you may feel fearful of your present or may cause you to constantly being ever watchful and predicting in the future for the next possible attack. No longer able to feel fun, happiness, love or success. No longer wanting to be in your skin or where you are. You will become numb and disconnected.

Meaning if you continuously focus on your past in order to “figure it out”, “analyze what you should have done differently”, “review your emotional hurt” or “scrutinize what you have lost” then you are feeding your unprocessed emotions at the expense of living in the moment. Feeding emotional pain is not conducive for healing, being happy or being mindful, in fact it is counter intuitive.   

2. Focus on the Moment

Best way to eliminate the effects past emotional pains is to become mindful. Mindfulness is being aware and in the moment. 

Don't focus on old regrets because there is no way you can change what has already happened. Focusing on old regrets which you can't complete will cause an increase in anxiety.

Also do not focus on predicting what might or might not happen in the future. Not one can foresee the future. Not predicting will significantly reduce worry and stress.

Take Away

If you are more mindful of what emotional pains are, you can understand what you are feeding and then stop,doing it. Doing such will empower you and you will become stronger, happier and more fulfilled with not only yourself but the where you are in your life. 

Live in the moment because in a second it is gone.

         Coach Bill
                              
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Sunday, April 12, 2015

4 Tip on Changing Negative Beliefs


Answer these few important questions.

Do you truly know what is going on in your mind? 

Do you think that you have complete control yourself and your life? 

Ever thought you were the one who controls what you do, feel or think? 

Don't dilute yourself, the real answer is you don't. Your reaction to what you do, feel or think the moment is actually based on your mind code that was formed since you were born. How you respond to events, people and yourself “in the moment” is based on the code that has formed in your subconscious mind growing up. This code is constantly running in the background without your knowledge.

How do we know?

Unless you have been living in a cave for the past several decades, you would know that professionals have been learning more and more about how the mind works. Daily events and stimuli filter through your perception and trigger an aspects of your code. Then, a related code is transmitted to your conscious mind which influences all your human reactions.

Client Story

 "My entire life I have been consumed with worry, fear, and anxiety. At different periods of my life, I felt disappointed with myself even though I was successful. I would feel so unhappy with my performance. My total focus was on how I was not performing up to either my expectations or expectations of other people in my life. In my mind, I would hear messages about me due to the constant criticism from my father growing up. Negative thoughts would get stuck in my mind and loop over and over again. The thoughts would center on how I was not measuring up to my father’s expectations of me. I found myself constantly judging myself on the same issue that my father criticized me for: ‘You will never measure up. You will never be good enough. All that money for your education. So why isn't your career doing better? You are wasting your life.' These ruminating thoughts caused me to doubt myself, be afraid, limit my abilities, cause me to second guess, and judge myself. All the thoughts were focused on my business and relationships. I was always worrying about what didn't happen and what might happen in the future. I lost the good things occurring in the moment. I was losing my today because I was worried about my tomorrow or my future. What might go wrong next week, next month or even next year? It seemed to me like everything, including myself, was not good enough.  I felt out of control and thoroughly disillusioned with myself and my life. I didn't know why."

The self-defeating beliefs he mentioned in his story are what I term "core beliefs." Core beliefs are the direct result of your mind code. These negative beliefs are very common in everyone. 

In the above story the male client's beliefs formed from his experiences with his father growing up yet still affect him in his adulthood. Core beliefs are the window to one's mind code.

Is there such a thing as Mind Code?


Yes, mind coding is a fact. Mind code is very similar a computer’s source code. It is what runs the human brain. Maybe Freud was wrong and you do not control your thoughts freely. Maybe your mind operates based on a set of codes which are formed and embed into your mind over time.

The Realization

As I have stated there is a code running in the background that governs, rules, regulations, has standards, structure and laws that influences a person’s actions, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, or reactions.

Since I developed my new method and wrote my second book Personal Philosophy five years ago, I have had a lot of success working with clients and helping them to recognize his or her negative core beliefs that govern who they are and how he or she will react. This method has helped them to identify negative core beliefs about themselves, learn new skills and to shift these negative core beliefs into a more positive framework. This type of coaching helps them to make a positive change to their mind and life, and it has helped them make a significant difference. I knew, however, that I had not discovered it all. I researched this idea in many different types of schools of thought, but still did not find the answer I was seeking. Through a remarkable bit of serendipity, I found a real life example that explained what was happening and opened my eyes to what I had been seeing with myself and my clients - the Mind Code. Let me share my experience to help you understand.

I happened to visit a Web Developer that was working on a new design for my websites. When I walked in his office, there were two large monitors right in front of me which he was working on. The monitor to my left was displaying the source code which I had never seen become and didn’t understand. Source code is the rules, regulations, standards, structure and laws that govern how the website look and function. On the other monitor to my right displayed the actual website as it would be seen on the internet. This was my first time I had ever been this close to the actual design process. The source code, which was just symbols, numbers and words, told the computer what to display on the other monitor down to the smallest detail. My designer who was with me told the Web Developer, "that is not the color I envisioned for the site." The Web Developer stated, "I copied it as close as I could." The designer replied, "I sent you the color code of what I wanted in an email." The Web Developer checked his emails and found the color code which was simply a # symbol followed by two letters and two numbers. The Web Developer copied and pasted the color code in to the correct slot in the source code, hit refresh and instantly the other monitor flashed and instantly the correct color appeared. WOW!

Is it possible we all have code in our mind that regulates all our actions, beliefs, emotions, thoughts and reactions?

I have wondered the question above my whole professional career. I searched and searched and finally found what I was looking for not from great minds from psychology but from a web master. I was sitting with a web master one day to build a new website for my practice. It was a brand new experience for me. In front of the web master was two monitors. The monitor on the left was full of what is called "source code" (written computer code that tells a programs or website how to operate). On the other monitor on the right was the website being made for my business. The color was not correct, so I watched as he found the right code for the color necessary for the website. The web master searched through page and page of code until he got to the right place where the color code for the whole website was located. He took out the wrong code, which was a # sign, 2 letters and 2 numbers and place in the right code in the same place. immediately, in a blink of an eye, the right monitor flashed and the color of the whole website changed. I watched as more subtle and major changes were made. I realized that when the code was changed then instantly what was seen on the right monitor or what the outside world sees changed right away. I also learned that what the right monitor could do and not do was totally governed by the source code written. 
My answer was right in front of me. I realized that the subconscious mind, or emotional mind as it is sometimes called, was the monitor on the left containing all the code that a human accumulates in the subconscious with each life experience. The conscious mind, or rational mind, was the display monitor on the right showing the real-world results of the “human source code” which would be thoughts, feelings and actions. So you see, in a computer it is the source code which runs all the time governs everything. Also source code is completely invisible. The source code dictates and governs all the parameters, standards, procedures and rules for the computer and all the programs that run on it. 
I believe that the brain responds in the same way. Your brain has a hidden code in the subconscious reaches that is running constantly, and it totally influences all your actions, beliefs, emotions, thoughts and reactions. The code running or as I term it, mind code, located in your subconscious mind (totally invisible in the background and blocked from consciousness) determines, dictates, directs, governs and influences how you function down to the littlest details in our daily interactions and activities (foreground).

How do humans get their Mind Code?


Your mind code is written continually by your brain as a side component of your memory function throughout your life without any personal awareness. Your beliefs, values, expectations, ethics, morals, rules, standards develop from your mind code ... all of these mentioned determines the content for your thoughts and what type of feelings you will manifest in your reactions to yourself, others, world and daily events, moment to moment.

How is the Mind Code revealed?

"Mind Code is revealed through your core beliefs."

As I help a client to reveal their core beliefs through specifically crafted assignments, I get a glimpse of his or her mind code. I see the code which created the associated core belief. The core belief becomes a barrier that prevents my client from getting what he or she wants out of life. That type of code I would term as negative or bad code. Even if the display (thinking, feeling or behavior) or rational mind displays that he or she is doing well, inside he or she feels disappointed by his or her performance. An example can be seen in athletes, business people and celebrities. Even though they are successful on the outside, their lives reflect drug addiction, anger, failed relationships, bad marriages, negative feelings, inappropriate behavior and yes sometimes even suicidal thoughts. If you do not believe you are a success even though other people do, it is possible that inside you feel as though you are a failure or not good enough.

I also see the good code. Good code can motivate a person toward happiness, compassion, fulfillment, satisfaction or success. Example of good code is "I can accomplish anything", I be whatever I want", "If I work hard I will always succeed", "I am good enough" and "I am a good person" 

Unfortunately, negative or bad code seems to be more prevalent than good code. Negative or bad code creates negative core beliefs. In my client population, there are six core beliefs that are most common. I would like to share those with you.

I am not good enough.

I do not deserve ______.  (Ex: to be successful, loved, or to love....)

I am not worthy of _______.  (Ex: success, money, or education....)

I am wrong no matter what I say or do.

I don't measure up.    

I am a failure.

Think about this list. Reflect on the influence these messages could have on your feelings, thoughts, actions and reactions. Now ask yourself, “How could anyone achieve what is desired” with these types of core beliefs. If you hear these core beliefs constantly echoing in your mind, you can’t. It is the negative mind code that stops all progress in life, happiness and success. You become stuck! Self-sabotage becomes commonplace. Your mind can only do what is written in is code.

"Change your core beliefs and you change your mind code. Change your mind code and you change your world … inside and out!"

So there you have it! You are the direct result of your mind code even though you are completely unaware of it. So is there hope? Yes there is. You can change your negative mind code from self-limiting or self-defeating programming to positive and motivating just by shifting a negative core belief to a positive core belief therefore completely changing your mind signature. 
How is that even possible? By learning a skill to assist you to recognize your negative limiting core beliefs (result of negative code), creating new positive core belief, and then removing the old negative core belief and replacing it with a new core belief using a method termed "Blackboard Method".

Blackboard Method: How to Re-script Your Mind


Here is a tip. If you do not like your negative beliefs that determine and govern who you are, do, feel, and think. 

If you do not like how your mind responds, reacts or thinks then just re-script your mind by changing your core beliefs. You may ask is it possible to re-script your mind? Yes there is a way. 
Re-scripting your beliefs will result in re-scripting your mind code that your mind runs on and change your life. 

Tips

1. Once you discover that the key is knowing what your core beliefs are first. The window can be revealed by opening the shades that obscure your vision to your core beliefs and look at what your actual beliefs are that you have formed about yourself over time. 

2. Write all your core beliefs down. Remember everyone has tons of core beliefs. Your brain formed a core belief and a piece of code every time you experience a life situation. 

3. Once you know your core beliefs, cross out the ones which block you and create new ones to replace them.

4. Repeat your new core beliefs to yourself every morning upon rising. That will help you remember and embed them into your mind.
Take Away
When you discover your actual true beliefs, good or bad, it is a simple process to re-configure old beliefs by creating new beliefs and then install them. Installing them can be done in a matter of minutes with blackboard method. Once installed your mind will operate off of the new core beliefs rather than the old negative ones. You can then enjoy a loving, nurturing and supporting relationship with yourself.

If you have any questions or would like to experience the blackboard method or learn more about mind code, and core beliefs, leave me a response below in the comment section, visit my website or download my eBook.
          Coach Bill

Thursday, April 2, 2015

One Word Derailed My Successful Life (Guest Blogger)

There’s an interesting thing about the mind … while it works endlessly to protect the one it serves, it can judge things as rather black and white. The mind can be adept at the process of dissociation to protect its human from painful memories of traumatic experiences. This is generally considered a good thing. It might choose to release the stored memories at a later time, once its human is a safe distance away from the danger. Then again, it might not.

Along with all the memories of trauma and pain and suffering, the mind might also sequester memories of non-threatening events. It’s hard to say what could get tagged for long-term dead storage, never to be seen again.

After living the first 16 years of my life in a most dangerous environment, I have now spent a couple of decades unpacking the storage locker of my mind, slowly sifting through the myriad experiences locked in my own dissociation vault, blowing off the dust, and looking them over one by one. It can be a painful process at times, and I feel endless gratitude for the skilled professionals who have held my hand along the way. Interestingly enough, there have been some relatively benign memories locked away there, too.

Imagine my surprise when I realized recently the profound importance of one word. It was a word I have used many times in my life. It isn't a curse word … a “dirty” word … in any way, but it is a word that my mother used often throughout my growing up, which she always said with a lot of emotion and emphasis. Apparently, my mind thought this memory was threatening enough to be locked away for my own protection. My mother often said,

“A lady must never be conspicuous!

Now understand, she wasn't just talking about wearing gaudy colors or white shoes after Labor Day. Her admonition was filled with Lindbergh-Baby Fear … that’s “Capital F- Fear.” With my curly blonde hair spilling down my back, startling blue eyes, and willingness to smile at practically anyone, she was terrified that a kidnapping was in my future … even though she wasn't married to Charles Lindbergh. She had grown up and lived most of her life with a modicum of affluence ... that, together with her tendency to “put on airs” at times, led people to assume her family was quite wealthy. In fact, the opposite was true. Her best option was to impress upon her darling little girl – me – the virtue of being inconspicuous. I grew up with this principle as my guiding force.

Now, let’s fast-forward this movie to the present day. Most people under 40 have never heard of the Lindbergh Baby. However, I am now living a life which is bringing me ever closer to the public eye. I want to teach … not just in a classroom … but on a grand scale, to dozens and hundreds, maybe even thousands of people. I want to tell the world about the lessons I've learned and the wealth of experiences which life has brought me.

But I don’t!

I sit!

I do my job …

and nothing more.

Why? I beat my head against a wall.

I seek professional help.

I pray … Dear God, “What is holding me back?”

Then one day not too long ago in speaking with a dear friend, I hear my mother’s voice in my head saying, “One wouldn't want to be conspicuous.”

Oh HOLY COW! How can I ever get up on stage with this fear of my mother’s rooted in my mind? Of course, I would never take the first step to achieve my dreams. Her message … inconspicuousness is next to Godliness … is my guiding force. Having dissociated from the power of this message, and the fear which created it, I was stopped by my own mind before I could ever get started.

I am ever grateful for the kind and gentle guidance of one of the most qualified professionals in this field, Dr. William Tollefson, and speaking with him about this recent discovery from the dead vault of my mind brought the relief I've been seeking. We worked with the “Blackboard Exercise,” which changed the message written on the virtual blackboard of my mind.

It goes something like this … closing my eyes and collecting my will to focus, I write the ineffective message of my mother’s on the blackboard in my mind … “One wouldn't want to be conspicuous.”  Then mustering all my will, I firmly shove this message off the board to the right and out of view of my mind’s eye. Then I write the message which will sustain me moving forward,

“I give myself permission to be in the lime light, and I am safe.’

That’s what it was all about. The dissociative mind is not a bad or evil thing. It is a self-protective device, without which many people suffer endless mental torture, re-experiencing their traumatic events. Often, they fail to survive. Now that I'm far removed from the horrors of my childhood, it is time to change the way I live. My guiding forces are those which I choose … those which will benefit my family and loved ones … those which will benefit each of you within the sound of my voice.

I'm just getting started …

Let me introduce you to Conspicuous Judy.

Judy Lee Thurber can usually be found on Facebook:

























Dr. William Tollefson can be found in the following ways:
DrBillTollefson.com